Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car keys." And then I just think of different ways the story could end. "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.