Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

I tell very mean jokes.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.