Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'
Anthony JeselnikWayne Brady, I donโt understand why people keep joking that youโre not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on โWhoโs Line is it Anyway?โ.
Anthony JeselnikI always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.
Anthony JeselnikWe just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.
Anthony JeselnikUsually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car keys." And then I just think of different ways the story could end. "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes.
Anthony Jeselnik