Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'
Anthony JeselnikI actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played the part of "Accounting Clerk" on Deadwood. Actually, I was the accounting clerk for production of "Deadwood."
Anthony JeselnikDonald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
Anthony JeselnikMy girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
Anthony JeselnikI don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
Anthony Jeselnik