It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.