I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.