I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.