I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.