I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.