I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.