I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.