I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.