I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.