I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.