I'll be very busy, which is all I need.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.