I'll be very busy, which is all I need.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.

I'll be very busy, which is all I need.

I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy.