I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.