I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.