I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies

I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

As my good friend Al Capp told me a few years ago, the best thing to do with a confirmed [hotel] reservation slip when you have no room is to spread it out on the sidewalk in front of the hotel and go to sleep on it. You'll either embarrass the hotel into giving you a room or you'll be hauled off to the local jug, where at least you'll have a roof over your head.

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.