I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

I earned my stripes as a Marine, and the Corps gets full credit for straightening me out. At 17, I was young, I was unhappy and most of all, I was undisciplined. The Marine Corps was the right service in the right place at the right time.