Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.