People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man does not drive, there is something wrong with him.

Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.