A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.