You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.

I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.