Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.