If you want to write something of length, however modern and radical, you must live the life of an elderly gentleman of the 1950s.

Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world.

About every four years, someone says to me, "I've got a friend who looks exactly like you." What can you say to this?

If you want to write something of length, however modern and radical, you must live the life of an elderly gentleman of the 1950s.

Global warming, the ongoing destruction of the planet, Third World debt, the uselessness of the railways, the takeover by the corporations, the scary George Bush person: all these things are important and should be animating me into outrage. Yet somehow they do not.

The history of the relationship between comedy and swimming is short indeed. Of course it is always funny when someone falls into water, but that's about it.

Acting in a stage play is like working the evening shift in an office.