If you want to write something of length, however modern and radical, you must live the life of an elderly gentleman of the 1950s.

The history of the relationship between comedy and swimming is short indeed. Of course it is always funny when someone falls into water, but that's about it.

Global warming, the ongoing destruction of the planet, Third World debt, the uselessness of the railways, the takeover by the corporations, the scary George Bush person: all these things are important and should be animating me into outrage. Yet somehow they do not.

I abhor nothing more than bumping into someone I know on the Tube.

It is more interesting to be compared to someone famous, because it lets you gauge what perceptions people have about your appearance.

Every generation of children has its private hero.

An uninspiring canvas becomes a glamorous masterpiece when it is reattributed to a better-known artist.