A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.

Maybe that's why I don't like religion because the first introduction to it was, you don't get to do that thing you just discovered that you really enjoy.

I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment.

I prefer being totally sober myself.

So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face.

I know my fan base is a smart group of people.

Come on, man, I got a full beard!