I can't say this too often - that a little humor can make life worth living. That has always been my credo. Somebody once asked me, 'What would you like your epitaph to be?' I've always said that I'd like it to be: He left people a little happier than they were when he came into the room.

Censor: A self-appointed snoophound who sticks his nose in other people's business.

Good manners: The noise you don't make when you're eating soup.

Oratory is the art of making a loud noise sound like a deep thought.

There once was a student named Bessor Whose knowledge grew lessor and lessor. It at last grew so small He knew nothing at all, And today he's a college professor!

I don't stutter when I talk to God. He loves me.

Football season: The only time of the year when a man can walk down the street with a blond on one arm and a blanket on the other without encountering raised eyebrows.