If this goes into sweatshop labor, I'm quitting this podcast.

If you're away from your house for a month, by the time you come back there's someone else living in it.

And Donald Trump? That man literally has people shouting the n word at his rallies and he doesn't address it, which is astounding to me. He's a terrible person.

Some guy workin' at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can't do it, because whores don't care about lumber.

[I'm] more German than Irish.

If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene.

I wasn't the good looking guy, I wasn't the hot chick, I wasn't the fat guy, I didn't have a catchphrase, I didn't wear a silly hat. I was just trying to improve as a comedian.