It was right after 9/11 and I decided to walk around the grounds of the Pentagon, because I had never been there. Out of nowhere comes this speeding camouflaged golf cart and this guy starts yelling at me, 'What do you think you're doing!' The guy wrote my name down and began to follow me before I got really scared and took off as fast as I could.

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.

Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.

It’s been a dream to work with Netflix because they don’t have any pressure from advertisers.

I consider Ric Flair to be one of the great comedic minds. But I never got to see him growing up because that was back when they still had territories.

I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don't. The misery will come. The misery will find you.

Patrice O'Neal is the best comic I ever saw.