I wasn't the good looking guy, I wasn't the hot chick, I wasn't the fat guy, I didn't have a catchphrase, I didn't wear a silly hat. I was just trying to improve as a comedian.

[Nazi] copied stuff from us for their "final solution" but we get to walk around like we're the good guys.

I don't mind either one [crowd that is more willing to interact or crowd that's more ready to just watch]. Both of them are forms of listening to what I'm saying so I can't ask for any more than that.

I think it gets uncomfortable when you try to act like you didn't just tell a joke that bombed.

You wanna know how you know you're informed as a protestor? They don't show your interview on TV.

Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?

Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.