I'm one of those guys like whatever the situation is, as long as people are cool and everybody is trying to be funny, I have a good time.

I am so pro-swine flu... I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.

My dad was a dentist but I wasn't a hygienist. I assisted my dad.

Don't be a jerk to other comics and don't let the business beat you down, stay positive and if you work your ass off you're going to get somewhere.

I've battled with that type of stuff, but what I've found is that by doing stand-up, I've actually learned about depression and how to combat it. I don't have clinical, but I've definitely had my bouts with it.

There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head.

Against these two [Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton] I would [vote], but I never voted for [Barack Obama]. I always voted third party - the ones who say their gonna jail the bankers.