Some guy workin' at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can't do it, because whores don't care about lumber.

I was certified to take x-rays, but you can't just show up and start cleaning people's teeth.

My parents have a ridiculous work ethic; my dad just works, works, works, works, works. I think it would be hard to find a guy who's logged more hours than that guy.

I just do my act. If people in England don't get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.

Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!

I mean, stand up you're by yourself and it's live and when you're acting, unless you're doing a monologue, you're interacting with somebody else. Even if you're doing a monologue you're saying it to somebody and it's not live so you can do it a few times.

It's better to just plough ahead. And if I say something they don't get, I just make fun of myself for assuming that everybody knows everything about where I live.