Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

I know people are tired of me not saying anything, but a guy doesn't have to answer to innuendos.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

There are some people who have trouble recognizing a mess.

Parents are people who yell and they yell and they yell and they yell. And you already have the point... and they're still yelling.

Pay off your student loan. Even if you don't have a job...Because when you finally get a job you're going to be one of us.