Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

You go and you buy a lottery ticket. You've got just as much chance of getting struck by lightning as you do of winning the lottery.

Repeat after me. I promise not to run outside of the house. I promise not to run inside of the house. I promise not to touch, pick up, step on, anything that looks interesting.