Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in.

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

Repeat after me. I promise not to run outside of the house. I promise not to run inside of the house. I promise not to touch, pick up, step on, anything that looks interesting.

I don't wear no condom and I don't plan for no kids.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

The problem is that your daughter has given her heart to a 15-year-old boy, and a 15-year-old boy does not yet qualify as a human being.