My mother was an authority on pig sties. This is the worst looking pigsty I have ever seen in my life, and I want it cleaned up right now.

I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

I feel that in-person contact with people is the most important thing in comedy. While I'm up on stage, I can actually put myself into the audience and adjust my pace and tuning to them. I can get into their heads through their ears and through their eyes. Only through this total communication can I really achieve what I'm trying to do.

The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.

Most fathers and... Mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.

Children today know more about sex than I or my father did.