Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

I'm going out... because I deserve to go out! And I'm going to get drunk... because I deserve to get drunk! And get out of my way!

The first-born in every family is always dreaming for an imaginary older brother or sister who will look out for them.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

Most fathers and... Mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.