You go and you buy a lottery ticket. You've got just as much chance of getting struck by lightning as you do of winning the lottery.

I can't even talk the way these people talk. 'Why you ain't?' 'Where you is?' Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

Don't talk yourself into not being you.

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

Every success story has a parent who says, 'over my dead body.' Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you're acting the fool, 'you know I worry about you sometimes.'