In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.