I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.

You can't climb a tile wall.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.