I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'

I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.