I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.
When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.