No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

You can't climb a tile wall.

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.

I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!