I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.

I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'