Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.