That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.

Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.