That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y'all catch all them fish? Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.