When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!

I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.