I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.