New Rule: News organizations have to stop using the phrase: "We go beyond the headlines." That's your job, dummy. You don't see American Airlines saying, "We land our jets on the runway"!

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

Death is nature's way of killing you.

What a day for the Tea Party people. Did you see that? America's parks and fairgrounds were lost in a sea of man-boobs. They were venting their anger and rage against taxes, which, of course, in most cases for them went down. Protesting their taxes went down, but you know, why let the truth spoil a perfectly good Klan rally.

The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?

I said something recently about how the president [Barak Obama] should stop trying to placate the crazies and the right wing and the Republicans and stand up for the 70 percent of Americans who are not insane and stand up for the people who actually voted for you. That hit a real nerve.

There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.