The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.

Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.

I hear a lot of talk today about xenophobia. Is it really phobia if you have something to be afraid of?

I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.

I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing.

Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won't take anything on faith?

I was out at the HBO party, these are liberals, I imagine, and a lot of people came up to me and said, "Keep giving it to the president."