If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away.

The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?

It's that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it's depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan.

People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.

Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position.

Tt just seems to be human nature to seem to want to posit in another human being, qualities that you must know, in part of your mind, that human being couldn't possess because you don't possess.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.