If you think Democrats are going to take away your Bible, you're an idiot. If you think they are going to take away your gun, you're an armed idiot. If you think they're going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you're Bill O'Reilly.

I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.

We don't do sensible things. This is America.

There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said 'Clemency denied.'

I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because I have been saying, for the longest time, that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass...and, by god, today they went in and looked for it... They didn't find it. So now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "success" in the same sentence.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.