The American people don't really care what side of an issue you're on. They just don't want you to act like a pussy.

Recognition is one of the three big elements of comedy.

We've created over 200,000 jobs every month this year. Hasn't happened in 17 years. I guess my first question is, when do the Republicans stop calling it 'Obama's economy'?

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

The key to me, in religion, is just to treat it like it doesn't really matter. We have a Pope, we don't really believe him, we don't really listen to what he says, we don't really take him seriously. That's what has to happen with religion. It has to be marginalized and in the Islamic world, it's not marginalized, it's taken literally.

A flu shot just compromises your immune system.

We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.