People like the Mormons and the Scientologists, who I think should combine and make a Mormontologist because what they believe is just so out there it's just laughable.

There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it's not "nation-builder."

Life is not like a box of chocolates unless there's a few turds in the box.

I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.

I just don't think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex.

Eric Holder, our attorney general, says the Mr. Snowden will be brought to justice. Just as soon as we can find someone who can track his calls and read his emails.

When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.