Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?

If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it's kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in the talking snake.

Your fuselage shouldn't open more easily than your pretzel bag.

Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday.

I feel terrible for a Palestinian child who dies. But, if it's your father, your brother or your uncle who was firing those rockets into Israel, whose fault is it really? Do you really expect the Israelis not to retaliate?

Even when [Federal Reserve Chairman Ben] Bernanke said the recession was over ... you think that would have been a bigger boom somewhere, but it seems we just take everything in stride.

Tea-baggers love the truth. They just hate facts.