I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.

I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.

I urge the media to start referring to climate skeptics as what they really are: climate assholes.

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

There's a new iPad out...People are going nuts for this thing...And, today, Mitt Romney said, 'It's a flat piece of white plastic. If you can love it, why not me?'

I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.

Dealing w/ Hamas is like dealing w/ a crazy woman who’s trying to kill u – u can only hold her wrists so long before you have to slap her.