Maybe a president who didn't believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

When those myths were created, when the Bible was written, man didn't know what an atom or a germ was, or where the sun went at night, or why the women got pregnant. [Laughs.] They needed stories to answer the questions.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. "We'll try to get you work. But don't bug us about it."

When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.