Do you want to know why marijuana is illegal? Because the drug companies want marijuana to be illegal. You see, if it came down to Prozak versus Marijuana, Prozak would lose.

Let us not become so tolerant that we tolerate intolerance.

Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations... The new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because last week, Sarah was on a class trip to New York, where she met foreign leaders... And one of the leaders she met was Zardari, and he was gushing over her. He said, oh, you're more gorgeous in person than you are on TV. And so the people in his home country of Pakistan, the Islamists, they issued a fatwa on him, for being too 'flirty.' And when Sarah today was told that Zardari had gotten a fatwa because of her, she said, 'I know, I felt it when he hugged me.'

Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.'

I’m supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech - when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here’s the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.

Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can't pass a background check support background checks.