Some people think I enjoy debate. I don't. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time.

Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.

New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

You talk about 'Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.' Maybe your brain needs a little washing.

I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.

Sarah Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school.