I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing... When homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow. This country needs to get laid.

I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.

[Obamacare] was going to be the Republicans' big issue, and they're not talking about it because it's working.

Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away.

It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the greatest wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the greatest wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife."

There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said 'Clemency denied.'

If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it's kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in the talking snake.