What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch.

At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution.

I hear a lot of talk today about xenophobia. Is it really phobia if you have something to be afraid of?

I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream. To sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.

Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor.

Every asshole who ever chanted 'Drill baby drill' should have to report to the Gulf coast today for cleanup duty.